Benoit
Jun 27, 2007 5:17:50 GMT -5
Post by Lucky on Jun 27, 2007 5:17:50 GMT -5
I didn't mean to call you juvenile. Even when I was writing it I knew that was how it would look. And that's the exact reason I haven't said anything like that once over at OO even though I've been thinking that way since pretty much the 1st page of that thread which I was viewing grow in the first hours of its inception. But I figured here I could say it and if someone like you felt the need to respond you'd give me the benefit of the doubt and not presume I was calling you a child. Which I'm glad you didn't.
If anything I think the last 2 days have taught me that I may enjoy wrestling but I don't enjoy it like a lot of fans do. Because its not a personal thing. Benoit has been my favorite wrestler since ECW and is the guy I went and bought tapes of just to see what he had done in places like Japan. And its not that I'm just too stoic. I attended the funeral of a wonderful woman that very morning, saw people I loved heartbroken, and I was torn down by that. But this? I had no personal pain. I feel bad for the loss of life, especially that of a child and 2 people I had enjoyed for many years. And I got a chill watching the clip of Benoit kissing his son. And I feel disgusted over the horror story that has come out and that a man could so badly betray his responsabilites and the people who should mean the most to him. But that it was Benoit who did that? It doesn't seem to make a difference to me.
And its not like I thought Benoit was capable of this 3 days ago. I too thought he seemed like a basically decent guy who had a good story which I had bought into. But the second I read that he and his family was dead I immediately considered that he killed them. Because I would whenever you told me a family was found dead in their home. And if you had been in RAW Chat with me you would have heard me joke about how all of the "tributes" and stories seemed to basically be saying that Chris was kind of an asshole who pushed everyone extremely hard and was a taskmaster (a word that seemed perfect to describe him around 9 PM Monday Night and which I haven't stopped chuckling over). So when someone said "it looks like he killed them" my mind just sort of said "yeah, that sounds reasonable." And everytime I've read or heard "he's the last I'd expect it from" I've sat there wondering why the guy's profile seems to have fallen so well into place to me.
So I don't get why people cried Monday. Or the fully functioning men whom I respect completely who said they threw up or sobbed. I don't get the people who have a hard time accepting that it was Benoit. Why people are trying to rationalize how maybe it wasn't as bad as it looks. How people could feel compelled to wish that evil on Nancy just to save... I don't know what. I can't even figure out what that thing is that I'm not seeing or feeling because I can't even make out what it is. Wrestling just doesn't mean that much to me. They're not my heroes. They're performers who entertain me. And who I often feel personal happiness for if they achieve accolades or success in their field, as I do musicians, actors, and athletes. But that's where it appears to end.
And as I think about it, its not just wrestling. I LOVE baseball. I spend way too much thought, time, and money on it. At times I live and breath it. I like to watch it, coach it, play it. I play fantasy baseball and look over stats. And I have my favorite team and my favorite players. But if my favorite baseball player of all time who I've cheered for since I was a small boy suddenly turned out to be an evil shit? It would change my opinion of the man but I can't imagine it personally affecting me. 15 years ago it might have, but it appears I no longer put these insignificant men on pedestals.
And I'm not judging you or anyone else who does. I'm not even sure how I feel about that. Is it a good thing that I appear not to have any more "heroes"? Or does that speak to some weird hole? I have no idea. So I'm not judging. Its just something that over the last 2 days I've suddenly recognized as a very real gap between myself and LOTS of people who are having very different reactions to something then I am. And I find that I can't intellectually grasp that.
Then again, it should also be said that I was amazingly drained from a bad weekend. That I was dealing with the death of the mother of a woman I love from a long battle with cancer. And the memories that dragged up of my own father's death and fear of my mother's mortality. So maybe I was just drained enough personally that I wasn't going to be affected by a stranger. And how for the last few months I've found myself to be in a very odd place where I maybe feel a little battered down by the news. Because I have just more and more been noting the instances of human depravity and hopelessness and rather than being defeated or burdened by it I've just seemed to accept it. I think I've developed tag lines in the last few months of "humanity sucks" and "people are scum." So maybe this story just slipped right into what I was expecting from the world at this time. I don't know.
Like I said, I'm not judging. At least not most of you (some folks I've seen at OO and other places are fucking crazy). I just find it so very odd that I come into this as a decade+ fan of Benoit and yet am SO far apart from the reactions of the majority. I made this joke to Thai and FFC the other night. Monday evening I got a voicemail from a friend leaving me a message about Benoit and essentially letting me know that if I wanted to talk he was there. I simply texted him back "Dude, do you know who you called?" Because the idea of me needing to talk over the death of a wrestler (even my favorite) who was a complete stranger just blew my mind. But then so very many people have seemingly needed that shoulder or ear that I didn't. Just strikes me as weird because I can't grasp it.
And as if this needs another paragraph, I should say... as far as the Art/Artist thing goes I absolutely see your Cash example. I have no doubt that much of Benoit's art is wrapped up in my wanting to see the man succeed. I doubt any of us will ever watch that Royal Rumble or WMXX with half the enjoyment we did because that was basically about wanting to see Benoit win. But at the same time I figure that I'll have no problem watching those same tapes I bought in 90s purely because the guy was a great performer. Because the performance remains the same. But the emotion wrapped up in it is obviouslly changed. Thankfully I don't think Benoit's "art" is nearly as dependent on it as Cash's is. But even if I could no longer appreciate the story of the man struggling with his pain and heartbreak at least I could probably still enjoy some kick ass songs.
If anything I think the last 2 days have taught me that I may enjoy wrestling but I don't enjoy it like a lot of fans do. Because its not a personal thing. Benoit has been my favorite wrestler since ECW and is the guy I went and bought tapes of just to see what he had done in places like Japan. And its not that I'm just too stoic. I attended the funeral of a wonderful woman that very morning, saw people I loved heartbroken, and I was torn down by that. But this? I had no personal pain. I feel bad for the loss of life, especially that of a child and 2 people I had enjoyed for many years. And I got a chill watching the clip of Benoit kissing his son. And I feel disgusted over the horror story that has come out and that a man could so badly betray his responsabilites and the people who should mean the most to him. But that it was Benoit who did that? It doesn't seem to make a difference to me.
And its not like I thought Benoit was capable of this 3 days ago. I too thought he seemed like a basically decent guy who had a good story which I had bought into. But the second I read that he and his family was dead I immediately considered that he killed them. Because I would whenever you told me a family was found dead in their home. And if you had been in RAW Chat with me you would have heard me joke about how all of the "tributes" and stories seemed to basically be saying that Chris was kind of an asshole who pushed everyone extremely hard and was a taskmaster (a word that seemed perfect to describe him around 9 PM Monday Night and which I haven't stopped chuckling over). So when someone said "it looks like he killed them" my mind just sort of said "yeah, that sounds reasonable." And everytime I've read or heard "he's the last I'd expect it from" I've sat there wondering why the guy's profile seems to have fallen so well into place to me.
So I don't get why people cried Monday. Or the fully functioning men whom I respect completely who said they threw up or sobbed. I don't get the people who have a hard time accepting that it was Benoit. Why people are trying to rationalize how maybe it wasn't as bad as it looks. How people could feel compelled to wish that evil on Nancy just to save... I don't know what. I can't even figure out what that thing is that I'm not seeing or feeling because I can't even make out what it is. Wrestling just doesn't mean that much to me. They're not my heroes. They're performers who entertain me. And who I often feel personal happiness for if they achieve accolades or success in their field, as I do musicians, actors, and athletes. But that's where it appears to end.
And as I think about it, its not just wrestling. I LOVE baseball. I spend way too much thought, time, and money on it. At times I live and breath it. I like to watch it, coach it, play it. I play fantasy baseball and look over stats. And I have my favorite team and my favorite players. But if my favorite baseball player of all time who I've cheered for since I was a small boy suddenly turned out to be an evil shit? It would change my opinion of the man but I can't imagine it personally affecting me. 15 years ago it might have, but it appears I no longer put these insignificant men on pedestals.
And I'm not judging you or anyone else who does. I'm not even sure how I feel about that. Is it a good thing that I appear not to have any more "heroes"? Or does that speak to some weird hole? I have no idea. So I'm not judging. Its just something that over the last 2 days I've suddenly recognized as a very real gap between myself and LOTS of people who are having very different reactions to something then I am. And I find that I can't intellectually grasp that.
Then again, it should also be said that I was amazingly drained from a bad weekend. That I was dealing with the death of the mother of a woman I love from a long battle with cancer. And the memories that dragged up of my own father's death and fear of my mother's mortality. So maybe I was just drained enough personally that I wasn't going to be affected by a stranger. And how for the last few months I've found myself to be in a very odd place where I maybe feel a little battered down by the news. Because I have just more and more been noting the instances of human depravity and hopelessness and rather than being defeated or burdened by it I've just seemed to accept it. I think I've developed tag lines in the last few months of "humanity sucks" and "people are scum." So maybe this story just slipped right into what I was expecting from the world at this time. I don't know.
Like I said, I'm not judging. At least not most of you (some folks I've seen at OO and other places are fucking crazy). I just find it so very odd that I come into this as a decade+ fan of Benoit and yet am SO far apart from the reactions of the majority. I made this joke to Thai and FFC the other night. Monday evening I got a voicemail from a friend leaving me a message about Benoit and essentially letting me know that if I wanted to talk he was there. I simply texted him back "Dude, do you know who you called?" Because the idea of me needing to talk over the death of a wrestler (even my favorite) who was a complete stranger just blew my mind. But then so very many people have seemingly needed that shoulder or ear that I didn't. Just strikes me as weird because I can't grasp it.
And as if this needs another paragraph, I should say... as far as the Art/Artist thing goes I absolutely see your Cash example. I have no doubt that much of Benoit's art is wrapped up in my wanting to see the man succeed. I doubt any of us will ever watch that Royal Rumble or WMXX with half the enjoyment we did because that was basically about wanting to see Benoit win. But at the same time I figure that I'll have no problem watching those same tapes I bought in 90s purely because the guy was a great performer. Because the performance remains the same. But the emotion wrapped up in it is obviouslly changed. Thankfully I don't think Benoit's "art" is nearly as dependent on it as Cash's is. But even if I could no longer appreciate the story of the man struggling with his pain and heartbreak at least I could probably still enjoy some kick ass songs.